apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
