The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
