Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
