You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I could make wine with my vomit
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
