I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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