I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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