you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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