I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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