i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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