I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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