So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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