can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
