if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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