I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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