Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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