someone threw a dead crab at me
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
