So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
