i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
