Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
