dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
