Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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