I accidentally had phone sex last night
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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