I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
