Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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