he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Randomize
