she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Vodka?
Forever.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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