so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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