He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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