His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
He has the fingertips of a God
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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