We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
