you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
