I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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