in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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