theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
