I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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