I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
