Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
this boner is exhausting
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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