When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
