Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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