guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
