It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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