He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
