Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
