i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
