my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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