your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize