maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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