I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
