So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
