He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
