Apparently you make a good broom.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
