i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
