i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
