I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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